Archive | August 2013

Formula for relationships

As a kid, I loved mathematics, it was my favorite subject. It still is. There are a number of reasons for loving this exact science. I love that all equations have finite answers and that things are what they are. You have a big complicated issue at hand but there are ways to come to the right solution. You just need to find that particular formula that’s applicable to your question.

Why is life not like that? Why is there so such formula for relationships? Why are they so difficult to handle? If there was such a formula then I could put my life’s variables there and come to a conclusion on if staying is the right answer or leaving? I am aware of all the variables and constants just need that little precious piece to put this all together.

Seriously, when do we know that this is it!! That it can’t go beyond this point. People say trust your gut feeling, well I don’t have any, I mean, in this matter. After being so long here I don’t think my gut can tell me anything.

When I think calmly, I know that our issues are not that big and they can be resolved. But what I need to know is if the other party wants to resolve this or not. If this wish to resolve is not present then I am just wasting my time dreaming about our future that’s never gonna happen. 

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Too Tired!!

I don’t know if these are really the worst days of my life but I certainly feel so.  I feel I married a person who never wanted me as a person. Rather he liked the idea of me being his wife but expected a behavior as his mom or sister would. He forgot to understand that I am a different person and with my own thoughts and beliefs and dreams.

This blog is not to blame my husband but to vent out certain thoughts which have been with me for a long time and somehow I can’t make anyone in my circle understand completely.

Tried talking to a few of my friends, and I know they try to understand as per their ability but most of the times they end up making me feel that I have to adjust as things are not going to change. There is no one in this world who can completely understand what I am going through.

I am an emotionally sensitive person and these small things matter much more than other big things in life. I know I am not making much sense here but all I want now is to get it out.

I never forced my husband to do anything my way as I always believed that he has a right to make his choice but I wanted the same from him.

Post marriage, if my husband is in the city, then I can’t go alone anywhere, I have to go to office with him, come back together (except when he is late and I can get an office bus), if it’s a little late then he has to come and pick me up, never went shopping alone or anywhere for god sake. I know, many people would consider this as love and caring gesture and I know he means it in the same way but I do want to be alone sometimes and I do want to be self-sufficient at least in basics such as commuting to office. I don’t him to baby-sit me or micromanage me.

And I want to be self-sufficient in other things too. I don’t like to be picked and dropped all the time, makes me feel that I am a kid or like his sister who he think he has to take care of coz that’s what his parents taught him.  That girls have to be taken care of all the time, initially by parents and brother and later by husband.

I am from a family where we were two sisters so naturally I have never seen this. And my father was not into this kind of thing. Sure he picked and dropped us but depending on the circumstance and requirement. He made me independent enough. I did my engineering and MBA out of my city, have lived in many hostels and other independent accommodations so I can manage myself pretty well. And he knows it as he was my classmate. So now, why he has to know everything all the time? It’s not possible for me to be anywhere for 10 mins without him finding out. Being married doesn’t mean that you have to be my shadow and even shadow leaves one alone in dark. It irks me so much that sometimes I just want to get lost in the crowd so that he can never find me.

He keeps making these gender related jokes which I have told him so clearly I hate. But he has to make those jokes just coz as per him it was a joke and if I try to stop him he says that he has been doing this since last 4 years so why don’t I understand that it’s just a joke. If that’s the case then why doesn’t he understand that I don’t like it as I have been saying the same thing every time? Why does he have to say something like “***** se bulaaoon kya karne ko” , when I have not done something . Which basically means should he call my parents to get that done? How in the world can someone be ok with this kind of statement? Just because his father says it and his mother don’t mind. I am sorry but I can’t. I replied sometimes with no let’s call his parents. And he obviously dint like it. But that didn’t stop him. And frankly I don’t like using these kinds of statements even for his parents who are not that bad people but I hate to the core just because my husband has done so much to make me feel that way. I had a big fight on this recently. I hope he doesn’t use at least this again.

When his parents are around then I have to dress traditionally. Not an issue with me  if I have to do it a month every year but they always had plans to stay with us. Thankfully that day has not arrived yet but I never wanted to give them a shock later. And four years are more than enough I guess to make them understand if you really wish to.

I have to be at his parents place for all major festivals which gives me so less time to be with my parents as if I take leaves 3 times to visit his parents what am I left with for mine? Almost nothing. And then there are certain times when we just want to have a vacation by ourselves. i think i have been at my parents place for less than 15 days in these 4 years. And he feels its ok If i don’t get to visit them. And this opinion when his sister is at least 180 days at her parents place in a year!! Total BS

I have been away from home for some time due to business reasons and now I am going back. And truly speaking I am dreading it. I am alone here with no one to talk to but at least I can be me. I know it’s like running away from situations but it feels better.

All his parents are concerned while i am away from home is regarding hubby’s not eating properly. Every Time i am asked when i am coming back as their son is not getting proper food. This is the only role they can see me playing in their son’s life  and maybe as an instrument to carry their grandchild legally. No one’s worried about how am i surviving outside india with no known person around, being alone all the time. but why should they?

All I want is a life partner, one who can see me as his equal, love me for what I am, believe in me and my abilities. I am a very responsible person and do more than my share most of the time. I definitely am not interested in being his sister (for showing care and behave as told) or mother (who is there for food, cleaning etc).

I have made up my mind to not take any shit from anyone this time, even his parents. I waited for 4 years for him to defend me when required not because I can’t do it myself but because I know he or his parents won’t like it. But since now no one is interested in me as a person so I have to do it myself. It’s been enough of crying. These years I have cried so much and so many times thought about killing myself or running away from everything. But enough is enough. I was avoiding all this just because I know my husband is a good person and means well most of the times, but now I want me to be me!! I can’t be their idea of a wife and DIL anymore. I don’t want to think any more about ways to kill myself.

It’s scary but I am at that turning point in my life where I have to make a choice. God please help me, I really need you this time.

What’s your Favourite food?

A very common question that people might ask you as part of casual conversation is “what’s your favorite food?”.  And usually everyone has some ready answer to this simple question. After 30 or whatever years of your life, you definitely know your favorite food. If you don’t by now, then you are hopeless. Like me 😉

It sounds so stupid but I have never been able to answer this question properly till date. Recently I met one of my very good friends after 5 years and the first time after our weddings. She asked me what would I like to eat and my answer as always was, whatever you guys want, I am perfectly ok with it. Then she asked what you really like and I said anything is fine. Further grilling led to something that I felt a little embarrassed to talk about: Rice and coriander chutney!!

Before any of you think anything about my present culinary skills and if I have this weird liking due to limited options or anything like that, let me tell you, I am a good cook. And I have even got compliments from my MIL and her MIL and mother. So you get the idea 🙂

But I am not very interested in food, for me it’s mostly routine, having designated meals on time. I hate cooking and had to do this chore only after marriage as maids were not allowed. I feel my taste buds help me a lot there. Initially I used to taste it so many times at every step to understand if the cooking is going on well. From there to this day, has been a not-so-long but boring journey. Some triumphs and not many disasters!!

I can cook a wide range of Indian dishes and a little Chinese and Italian too. But even after these 4 years of cooking still can’t decide on what I really like among these.

Strangely, I find it very easy to decide what to cook when other people are invited. Seems I can figure others out more easily than I can myself. OMG I really am strange!!

So I thought this can’t be possible and gave this question a little more thought.  And guess what, even after wasting a couple of hours my answer has not changed. Here I am, with my favorite food as Rice-Chutney and I am proud of it. It’s very basic and simple and that’s what I love about it. And yes most important, it has to be done on sil-batta (kind of flat mortar-pestle).

The taste and smell remind me of those sweet days when I was a kid, whenever mom made this chutney, I never touched daal or sabzi. Just the chutney. They tried their best to make me to eat those things but its only so much a parent can do and me being me that was not possible.

So there you go. Oh you want to know my favorite food?  its Rice-Chutney!! 🙂

Why I don’t want to have kids

People have so many reasons to have or not have a kid of their own. Some just go by the natural flow of life, some want someone to take care of them in future (tit for tat kind of thing), and some coz they really want to (not as insurance policy or doing a favor to anyone).

Me, I would love to have kids for the last reason. I like them, in fact love them a lot. I want to leave this corporate life and maybe start a crèche or something like that. I get so happy with the idea of having them around all the time. I know there are moments in every parent’s’ life when this duty becomes too much to handle but then this duty brings more joy than those tough times. Even if it doesn’t, it’s a choice they made.

I was talking to a friend on this topic. She has a baby less than a year old. I met her after a long time and asked her how she is feeling about all these changes in her life. She is not a great thinker or planner, more like normal everyday girl who got married just coz it was time and had a baby just coz it was right time (please note that its only my opinion. reality might be different). But I am sure she would not have given much thoughts to the question “why do we actually have babies?”

Anyways her husband said one thing and it really made me smile. He said I have never seen your friend smile so much or so happy. I guess that’s why we have them. To make ourselves happy.  Loved it.  So simple and so true.

Kids give a lot to parents when they are young and then throughout life.  They make you laugh and cry and give you a chance to make a difference to this world. You can make them good human beings not because you will benefit out of that human being at some later point of life rather because you know that’s the right thing to do. Because that’s parental duty towards a person they brought in this life. You wanted them so it’s your job to treat them as well as you can. If not then why have them in the first place.

Well, there are cases of unwanted kids also. But we are not talking about them here. That’s a different topic.

But this blog is not about why we have them rather about why I don’t want one.

I am not a very career minded person neither a very family oriented. I guess I am in between somewhere. I have a good job and I love the independence (however little) that it brings with it. Given my present circumstances I can’t imagine what would be my condition if I left my job and became a homemaker.

I don’t mind the efforts that having a kid requires either. In fact, I was very much inclined on doing it.

People are very different and being married does not make them alike or gives one person the right to make the other person accept all his/her wishes. I wanted to adopt as I firmly believe that there are enough kids in the world who deserve to be loved. But then hubby wanted his only to be able to love that kid. I don’t agree but I respect his thoughts. So adoption is out.

My biggest reason for not having one is that I am not sure if I would be staying with my hubby in future.  I would love to be with my love till end of my life. But the question is if he considers me his equal? Can his love see me as an individual rather than all the relationships attached with it i.e. wife, DIL and mother basically?

My life has been entirely opposite of what I imagined it to be. Love was the only reason we got married. And with time, love has started going out of the window and my individuality, freedom and choice are becoming more important. Now I understand that if being with him meant giving myself up as a person then it was not right. His expectations were wrong but even i was wrong as i let him do that to me and agreed to become this person who i can’t understand or recognise anymore.  So i knew that this day had to come, sooner or later.

I was told that if I behave nicely i.e.  as per their rules, one day they will accept me as I am (as a person). But that day is nowhere in sight even after 4 years.  As a mother, why would I want to bring a kid in my life where two of us are not even sure of our happiness? Where one person is turning bitter and disappointed with life? Where the kid won’t be able to see his mother for what she was when she was happy and confident.  How could a child survive in this situation?

I want a daughter so does hubby. So that’s not the reason either. My other reason is the way we want to bring up our kids. Every person has some ideas on how to bring up their kids. So do I. I believe that he will be a good father but for him the meaning of a girl child is that they:

  • are like princesses who need to be pampered all the time,
  • need to be dropped and picked
  • told what to do and what not to
  • girl is supposed to get married and is paraya dhan
  • told how to dress and so on

Needless to say that these things are not applicable if it’s a boy. As you can understand, these gender differences make my blood boil. I have seen most of these things up close only after being married so it is even more difficult for me to accept. I have never seen things this way. Not that anyone told me about equality, I just assumed that that’s how it should be and would be always.

For me, my kids would be someone who I can love. Unconditionally or conditionally I can’t say yet. They might give me a bigger reason to live my life and hopefully I would make them happy enough to love their life.

I would also want:

  • To make them understand that I did not do any favor by bringing them up, if anything, they have done me one by giving me this beautiful chance.
  • To make them aware that they can have their own opinions on anything under the sun and have the right to live life based on their own convictions and not the moral code defined by any society.
  • To enable them so that they can decide right and wrong for themselves.
  • To tell them that their conscience is only guardian, not me or anyone else.
  • To make them so strong that they can fight this world alone without any help from society if they want to or have to.
  • To give them that support of family, the feeling of knowing that I will always be there no matter what their decision regarding anything in life is. And if they want any advice, I am still there. And they are free to ignore it also.
  • To make them aware that they have to make their own mistakes to understand this world before finally reaching the destination they desire.
  • To make them aware that they are complete without boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage and can stay single all life if they wish it.
  • To be a friend for a lifetime.

More importantly I would like to believe that I have made a very minute but important difference to this world. By making some good addition to this world. This thought is completely personal though. It doesn’t matter if others don’t see it this way.

My last reason is that whatever be the approach we follow in our journey of parenthood, it should be chosen by two of us. My parents and his parents can have a supporting role but they can’t dictate what to do with our kids. This wish also seem to be impossible to achieve.

I am told yet again  that things will change after you have a baby. I am sure this has happened to other people but how can I be sure that this will happen to me too. And if it doesn’t, is it right to make a child go through all this pain just because there was chance that it might have changed? I am not in favor of this probability business. Kids are too important to be gambled in this fashion.

Frankly, I don’t want be unfair to my hubby but neither am I ready to be unfair to myself now. I have been in this limbo for years not knowing where this relationship is going. Hope things get clearer very soon. But till then, I don’t have want to have kids of my own.

PS: These are just my views. Everyone has a right to agree/disagree.

This entry was posted on August 19, 2013. 6 Comments

Rains and Me

I love rains. It makes me feel like totally calm and peaceful that I usually don’t feel. It pulls me away from all those constant worries and I am transferred to another world. Even the expectation of rain makes my heart dance. When those dark clouds appear I start humming “sawan barse tarse dil”, one of my favourites :). I smile a lot and just watch the sky like in a trance.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

I just found that there are apps for the rain sound.

http://www.rainymood.com/

Frankly I would have never thought about it ever. Great idea!!

Its cloudy in my city and I am just back from work. Just sitting and looking out. Want to make a tea for myself but not feeling like getting up from couch.  All in good time 🙂

This entry was posted on August 15, 2013 and tagged . 3 Comments