12 thoughts on “Family Finances

  1. It seems like he is getting his way through some intimidation, taking advantage of your fear of confrontation (totally understandable), like when kids go ‘buy me a chocolate or i will scream the place down’. The more you try to ‘keep the peace’, the more you’ll have to concede. Today it is helping your parents, tomorrow your sister may need help, or perhaps you might just want to spend on yourself.

    Especially given that he spends on his parent’s EMI every month, he has absolutely no grounds to keep you from spending that amount on your parents too. On what basis could he disagree? Are his parents somehow more important than yours? Why? You are two equals, your parents have spent the same effort on your upbringing. If he can’t see your point, then I hope you do find a way to agree to disagree, as you say, and use your money the way you want to. I am all for finding a peaceful solution but that effort needs to be from both sides. It seems one side is afraid of losing the peace and the other side is capitalising on that.

    I wish you strength and good luck.

    • Hi Carvaka,

      Exactly my thoughts. I started this relationship with the understanding that we are equal partners. But after marriage he and his family became ladke waale and me and my family ladki waale. And the traditions don’t help much. I almost fought over all customs where ladki waale are supposed to do some things just because they gave birth to a girl. But I didn’t fight till end.
      I am planning to have a good talk with him this time. Can’t go on living like this. My identity and thoughts are very important to me and I hope its important to him too. otherwise I need to think about some serious steps.

      Thanks,
      anotherindiangirl

  2. I too don’t understand why couples want to share passwords for things! Especially e-mail! Everyone needs their privacy, and with bank accounts you are looking at security too. Best of luck with everything, there is absolutely no reason you should feel like you can’t send your parents YOUR money.

    • Thanks bbdlite. Same here. I never wanted to share my email password but have to share it on some occasions at least due to some work which is ok. but then i change it asap. He’s like there should be no privacy between husband and life. But i dont agree.

  3. Do have a straightforward discussion with him. I faced such issues when I first got married. We would have arguments over this, mainly because husband was brought up in the culture, where he couldn’t understand why a girl should want to be there for her parents. But we have sorted it out. Now it is clear that when it comes to parents, my first priority will be my parents, while his will be his. And not just that, he and I have made it clear to his parents as well. And things are so much nicer. I totally get where you are coming from. All the best, I am sure you will work it out together.

  4. I really admire you for your clarity of thought. You’re on the right track completely. Your husband is probably operating from the patriarchal mindset that makes these values perfectly normal. It will take him a while to understand that what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. It takes a lot of courage and perseverance to change mindsets. I suggest you do this with dialogue and understanding. Good luck.

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