Why I don’t want to have kids

People have so many reasons to have or not have a kid of their own. Some just go by the natural flow of life, some want someone to take care of them in future (tit for tat kind of thing), and some coz they really want to (not as insurance policy or doing a favor to anyone).

Me, I would love to have kids for the last reason. I like them, in fact love them a lot. I want to leave this corporate life and maybe start a crèche or something like that. I get so happy with the idea of having them around all the time. I know there are moments in every parent’s’ life when this duty becomes too much to handle but then this duty brings more joy than those tough times. Even if it doesn’t, it’s a choice they made.

I was talking to a friend on this topic. She has a baby less than a year old. I met her after a long time and asked her how she is feeling about all these changes in her life. She is not a great thinker or planner, more like normal everyday girl who got married just coz it was time and had a baby just coz it was right time (please note that its only my opinion. reality might be different). But I am sure she would not have given much thoughts to the question “why do we actually have babies?”

Anyways her husband said one thing and it really made me smile. He said I have never seen your friend smile so much or so happy. I guess that’s why we have them. To make ourselves happy.  Loved it.  So simple and so true.

Kids give a lot to parents when they are young and then throughout life.  They make you laugh and cry and give you a chance to make a difference to this world. You can make them good human beings not because you will benefit out of that human being at some later point of life rather because you know that’s the right thing to do. Because that’s parental duty towards a person they brought in this life. You wanted them so it’s your job to treat them as well as you can. If not then why have them in the first place.

Well, there are cases of unwanted kids also. But we are not talking about them here. That’s a different topic.

But this blog is not about why we have them rather about why I don’t want one.

I am not a very career minded person neither a very family oriented. I guess I am in between somewhere. I have a good job and I love the independence (however little) that it brings with it. Given my present circumstances I can’t imagine what would be my condition if I left my job and became a homemaker.

I don’t mind the efforts that having a kid requires either. In fact, I was very much inclined on doing it.

People are very different and being married does not make them alike or gives one person the right to make the other person accept all his/her wishes. I wanted to adopt as I firmly believe that there are enough kids in the world who deserve to be loved. But then hubby wanted his only to be able to love that kid. I don’t agree but I respect his thoughts. So adoption is out.

My biggest reason for not having one is that I am not sure if I would be staying with my hubby in future.  I would love to be with my love till end of my life. But the question is if he considers me his equal? Can his love see me as an individual rather than all the relationships attached with it i.e. wife, DIL and mother basically?

My life has been entirely opposite of what I imagined it to be. Love was the only reason we got married. And with time, love has started going out of the window and my individuality, freedom and choice are becoming more important. Now I understand that if being with him meant giving myself up as a person then it was not right. His expectations were wrong but even i was wrong as i let him do that to me and agreed to become this person who i can’t understand or recognise anymore.  So i knew that this day had to come, sooner or later.

I was told that if I behave nicely i.e.  as per their rules, one day they will accept me as I am (as a person). But that day is nowhere in sight even after 4 years.  As a mother, why would I want to bring a kid in my life where two of us are not even sure of our happiness? Where one person is turning bitter and disappointed with life? Where the kid won’t be able to see his mother for what she was when she was happy and confident.  How could a child survive in this situation?

I want a daughter so does hubby. So that’s not the reason either. My other reason is the way we want to bring up our kids. Every person has some ideas on how to bring up their kids. So do I. I believe that he will be a good father but for him the meaning of a girl child is that they:

  • are like princesses who need to be pampered all the time,
  • need to be dropped and picked
  • told what to do and what not to
  • girl is supposed to get married and is paraya dhan
  • told how to dress and so on

Needless to say that these things are not applicable if it’s a boy. As you can understand, these gender differences make my blood boil. I have seen most of these things up close only after being married so it is even more difficult for me to accept. I have never seen things this way. Not that anyone told me about equality, I just assumed that that’s how it should be and would be always.

For me, my kids would be someone who I can love. Unconditionally or conditionally I can’t say yet. They might give me a bigger reason to live my life and hopefully I would make them happy enough to love their life.

I would also want:

  • To make them understand that I did not do any favor by bringing them up, if anything, they have done me one by giving me this beautiful chance.
  • To make them aware that they can have their own opinions on anything under the sun and have the right to live life based on their own convictions and not the moral code defined by any society.
  • To enable them so that they can decide right and wrong for themselves.
  • To tell them that their conscience is only guardian, not me or anyone else.
  • To make them so strong that they can fight this world alone without any help from society if they want to or have to.
  • To give them that support of family, the feeling of knowing that I will always be there no matter what their decision regarding anything in life is. And if they want any advice, I am still there. And they are free to ignore it also.
  • To make them aware that they have to make their own mistakes to understand this world before finally reaching the destination they desire.
  • To make them aware that they are complete without boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage and can stay single all life if they wish it.
  • To be a friend for a lifetime.

More importantly I would like to believe that I have made a very minute but important difference to this world. By making some good addition to this world. This thought is completely personal though. It doesn’t matter if others don’t see it this way.

My last reason is that whatever be the approach we follow in our journey of parenthood, it should be chosen by two of us. My parents and his parents can have a supporting role but they can’t dictate what to do with our kids. This wish also seem to be impossible to achieve.

I am told yet again  that things will change after you have a baby. I am sure this has happened to other people but how can I be sure that this will happen to me too. And if it doesn’t, is it right to make a child go through all this pain just because there was chance that it might have changed? I am not in favor of this probability business. Kids are too important to be gambled in this fashion.

Frankly, I don’t want be unfair to my hubby but neither am I ready to be unfair to myself now. I have been in this limbo for years not knowing where this relationship is going. Hope things get clearer very soon. But till then, I don’t have want to have kids of my own.

PS: These are just my views. Everyone has a right to agree/disagree.


6 thoughts on “Why I don’t want to have kids

  1. Understandable. When you live within somebody else’s “orbit” this is a problem.

    However there is a corollary to this. Being the indispensable mother to a baby puts you in a different role and position. Any mother puts the child first and foremost, and you will suddenly find yourself being centre-stage because of the baby. This happens.

    Of course, nothing is guaranteed. If you have intentionally malicious in-laws (as opposed to the common variety which is only mildly neurotic, having caught the social disease of “in-lawism”) then you & hubby will have to move out of their orbit with the kid, to find your own space. But if you both are prepared for these eventualities and plan-B’s then why not !

    Live the life you both want, and don’t restrict your life according to someone else’s constraints !

    • Thanks Anon. The way I see my problem, I feel hubby is more to blame than his parents. I do believe that they will understand if he explains them. I have tried to explain this to him so many times but he is too much mama’s boy to understand that its possible to do something that his parents are not in favor of. and I am not allowed to speak on such things openly.

  2. I totally agree with you. I was nodding away when I was reading this. Your reasons are very sensible. One of the worst things to do is have a baby to ‘make things better’. It never does. Having a baby adds to the complexities of an already complicated situation.

    All the best.Here’s hoping you get the clarity you need.

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