Tag Archive | being myself

Too Tired!!

I don’t know if these are really the worst days of my life but I certainly feel so.  I feel I married a person who never wanted me as a person. Rather he liked the idea of me being his wife but expected a behavior as his mom or sister would. He forgot to understand that I am a different person and with my own thoughts and beliefs and dreams.

This blog is not to blame my husband but to vent out certain thoughts which have been with me for a long time and somehow I can’t make anyone in my circle understand completely.

Tried talking to a few of my friends, and I know they try to understand as per their ability but most of the times they end up making me feel that I have to adjust as things are not going to change. There is no one in this world who can completely understand what I am going through.

I am an emotionally sensitive person and these small things matter much more than other big things in life. I know I am not making much sense here but all I want now is to get it out.

I never forced my husband to do anything my way as I always believed that he has a right to make his choice but I wanted the same from him.

Post marriage, if my husband is in the city, then I can’t go alone anywhere, I have to go to office with him, come back together (except when he is late and I can get an office bus), if it’s a little late then he has to come and pick me up, never went shopping alone or anywhere for god sake. I know, many people would consider this as love and caring gesture and I know he means it in the same way but I do want to be alone sometimes and I do want to be self-sufficient at least in basics such as commuting to office. I don’t him to baby-sit me or micromanage me.

And I want to be self-sufficient in other things too. I don’t like to be picked and dropped all the time, makes me feel that I am a kid or like his sister who he think he has to take care of coz that’s what his parents taught him.  That girls have to be taken care of all the time, initially by parents and brother and later by husband.

I am from a family where we were two sisters so naturally I have never seen this. And my father was not into this kind of thing. Sure he picked and dropped us but depending on the circumstance and requirement. He made me independent enough. I did my engineering and MBA out of my city, have lived in many hostels and other independent accommodations so I can manage myself pretty well. And he knows it as he was my classmate. So now, why he has to know everything all the time? It’s not possible for me to be anywhere for 10 mins without him finding out. Being married doesn’t mean that you have to be my shadow and even shadow leaves one alone in dark. It irks me so much that sometimes I just want to get lost in the crowd so that he can never find me.

He keeps making these gender related jokes which I have told him so clearly I hate. But he has to make those jokes just coz as per him it was a joke and if I try to stop him he says that he has been doing this since last 4 years so why don’t I understand that it’s just a joke. If that’s the case then why doesn’t he understand that I don’t like it as I have been saying the same thing every time? Why does he have to say something like “***** se bulaaoon kya karne ko” , when I have not done something . Which basically means should he call my parents to get that done? How in the world can someone be ok with this kind of statement? Just because his father says it and his mother don’t mind. I am sorry but I can’t. I replied sometimes with no let’s call his parents. And he obviously dint like it. But that didn’t stop him. And frankly I don’t like using these kinds of statements even for his parents who are not that bad people but I hate to the core just because my husband has done so much to make me feel that way. I had a big fight on this recently. I hope he doesn’t use at least this again.

When his parents are around then I have to dress traditionally. Not an issue with me  if I have to do it a month every year but they always had plans to stay with us. Thankfully that day has not arrived yet but I never wanted to give them a shock later. And four years are more than enough I guess to make them understand if you really wish to.

I have to be at his parents place for all major festivals which gives me so less time to be with my parents as if I take leaves 3 times to visit his parents what am I left with for mine? Almost nothing. And then there are certain times when we just want to have a vacation by ourselves. i think i have been at my parents place for less than 15 days in these 4 years. And he feels its ok If i don’t get to visit them. And this opinion when his sister is at least 180 days at her parents place in a year!! Total BS

I have been away from home for some time due to business reasons and now I am going back. And truly speaking I am dreading it. I am alone here with no one to talk to but at least I can be me. I know it’s like running away from situations but it feels better.

All his parents are concerned while i am away from home is regarding hubby’s not eating properly. Every Time i am asked when i am coming back as their son is not getting proper food. This is the only role they can see me playing in their son’s life  and maybe as an instrument to carry their grandchild legally. No one’s worried about how am i surviving outside india with no known person around, being alone all the time. but why should they?

All I want is a life partner, one who can see me as his equal, love me for what I am, believe in me and my abilities. I am a very responsible person and do more than my share most of the time. I definitely am not interested in being his sister (for showing care and behave as told) or mother (who is there for food, cleaning etc).

I have made up my mind to not take any shit from anyone this time, even his parents. I waited for 4 years for him to defend me when required not because I can’t do it myself but because I know he or his parents won’t like it. But since now no one is interested in me as a person so I have to do it myself. It’s been enough of crying. These years I have cried so much and so many times thought about killing myself or running away from everything. But enough is enough. I was avoiding all this just because I know my husband is a good person and means well most of the times, but now I want me to be me!! I can’t be their idea of a wife and DIL anymore. I don’t want to think any more about ways to kill myself.

It’s scary but I am at that turning point in my life where I have to make a choice. God please help me, I really need you this time.