I don’t need “help” !!

I keep writing my problems. I have been thinking since long that maybe I should stop it and write the same issues from a third person perspective, but till now it’s been impossible. My emotions are so strong in these things that I can’t get myself out of the issues I write about.

So, following the same tradition, I am writing about an issue that I have been facing since my marriage and till now couldn’t solve it. It’s about husband’s so called “help” at home.

Now, if you have read my earlier blogs, then you know that I keep ranting about how things are not good and I feel uneasy in certain things where wives and bahus are expected to follow chore/tradition quietly.

My husband is a nice person and he cares a lot about me but then we do have our difference of opinions, which I must say is huge. He has been raised in a typical Indian family where his father was the sole earner and the mother a home maker. So the responsibilities were divided. Father never helped at home and mother similarly never helped in earning. It was not like she was against it but it was kind of not favored by other members. Anyways bottom line is he never saw his father in kitchen or anywhere else helping his mom.

Me, on the other hand, despite having the same setup i.e. homemaker mom, earning dad never saw this demarcation. Though my mother could never help my father in earning, but he never stayed away from kitchen. He used to cook a lot on weekends and on weekdays if he were home, he would usually stand with mom in kitchen at least, when he was not in mood of cooking. So I never saw that kitchen was entirely a women’s business. In fact my dad can do almost everything that my mom does. And since we were only two sisters and no brother, so I never saw the gender biases till I met husband and his family.

Now, post marriage, as was obviously expected, I had to learn all the magic of keeping home nice and tidy, managing everything and of course cooking (which I hate to my hearts core). There were a lot of hurdles and I think I did ok, but one thing that troubled me was my husband’s contribution.

He did do a few things here and there. And believe me, from his perspective he thought he helped out the best possible but that very word “help” would set me seething with anger. Why was it that he was helping me? Am I asking something that’s not in his area of responsibility when we are sharing the house? Wouldn’t that be a given that if you stay together, you have to share the chores as well?

I have been thinking about this since 4 years and still no answer. Now he helps me a little more than earlier but again that’s what it is to him, “help” not ownership or responsibility. Many times I am just so angry when he says that, that I just banish him from kitchen. I don’t need anyone’s’ help and if that’s what he is doing then I can do it all myself. But even that’s doesn’t help.

Many times when I am talking to my colleagues, they also say the same thing. Either they help their wives or not etc. etc. You can’t imagine how I feel in those moments for their poor wives. If the wife is a homemaker, at least there is a division of labor (not that I think it’s fair or believe its right) but for people like us, who wake up and start working in house , then office and then back to kitchen, what are they supposed to do?

How do I make him or any other person understand that we are not asking for your charity or pity that you give when you try to help us, all we need is that you understand your responsibility and understanding that you “own” that chore as much as your other half.

Formula for relationships

As a kid, I loved mathematics, it was my favorite subject. It still is. There are a number of reasons for loving this exact science. I love that all equations have finite answers and that things are what they are. You have a big complicated issue at hand but there are ways to come to the right solution. You just need to find that particular formula that’s applicable to your question.

Why is life not like that? Why is there so such formula for relationships? Why are they so difficult to handle? If there was such a formula then I could put my life’s variables there and come to a conclusion on if staying is the right answer or leaving? I am aware of all the variables and constants just need that little precious piece to put this all together.

Seriously, when do we know that this is it!! That it can’t go beyond this point. People say trust your gut feeling, well I don’t have any, I mean, in this matter. After being so long here I don’t think my gut can tell me anything.

When I think calmly, I know that our issues are not that big and they can be resolved. But what I need to know is if the other party wants to resolve this or not. If this wish to resolve is not present then I am just wasting my time dreaming about our future that’s never gonna happen. 

Family Finances

I read IHM’s post Some basic questions on joint family finances and daughters in law and it reminded me a few things from my own life. It made me question “is it really only about joint families?” or “is it true for couples as family staying away from in-laws?” as well

I and my husband have been staying away in another city since our marriage so I can’t call this a joint family. Though I realize where these questions are coming from still feel I am also a party to many of these issues.

I am an independent person with my very own opinions and way of life. I had a love marriage and knew my husband quite well before marriage and let me assure you I discussed almost everything regarding my thoughts though most of them were very different than his. I now feel that we were stupid enough to get married with those differences.

Though with all other big issues somehow I didn’t give proper attention to finances.

I was a very straightforward person before marriage and did what I wanted to and had my reasons for my choices. I never realized how I became someone who fears her husband to discuss many topics she wants to just to avoid any altercations and not telling a few things she would have told him clearly 4 years back.

The first day of my married life,  I was given a whole lecture from my mother in law regarding the bahu dharm. That included how I don’t belong to my parents anymore and I should not call their place as my home as this is my home. Imagine a new bride’s surprise. But that would be another post.

We left after 3 days for our honeymoon and on our way to our city I spoke to my husband on the financial arrangement we should make. I suggested that we should open a joint account and we can pool our monthly expenses plus savings in that but keep our own accounts going on for salary and our personal expenses.  This was our first fight after marriage. He was almost astonished at this idea. He could not understand why I want to keep my account separate. It took a long round of discussions which included how much my father did not pay during wedding , what he did wrong at the wedding and all other things. Though all expenses were paid by my father except one thing which he refused since he didn’t ask for that. They had to pay for that one thing and it became a big pain for them. Anyways, finally we ended that discussion though we did not open that joint account till 3 years later.

I do not like sharing my banking passwords with anyone and neither am I interested in his. I believe we are adults and do not need to keep track of petty expenses of each other.  I trust him and wish the same from him. This is a big bone of contention. Even when I usually pay all these bills etc so 90% expenses are from my account only. Not that i am not sharing my income. I just don’t like the constant watch. My funda is :You need to know something, ask me and i’ll tell you.

Also, I should mention that he is paying for home loan for his parents’ place (which I have absolutely no issue with). But on the same side I feel that he can do anything for them without thinking twice while I don’t have that option. I am not able to do anything for my parents. If I want to, first I need his approval and this I am not comfortable with. Why can’t I decide what I want to do with it? And I am sane enough to understand how much I can spare. (I handle all household finances ).

My parents are retired and we are two sisters and I am the eldest. So I have the same set of responsibilities as him (or so I believe). I feel so bad that I can’t do things that I want to do for them. It’s not that he will say no if I help them in need but he is not in favor of sending every month (which will be a part of what he spends on that EMI). It’s not that I want to compete but if he feels it’s his responsibility to pay for his parents EMI, isn’t it possible for me to feel the same? I asked my parents repeatedly to buy an apartment for them so that the EMIs start before wedding so that everyone knows that I am going to pay for that. But my parents didn’t want that. Typical views of an Indian DILs parents. They lived in government provided apartments till retirement and then had to buy one with his PF and other money. Now, I feel since he paid for house and doesn’t have much left so at least now I should help him with monthly expenses but not sure how to put this forward.

I am planning to have a talk on this and if he disagrees I’ll just agree to disagree this time. Hope I can do that.

It hurts to confess that even though I am not living under my in-laws roof, still all those rules implicitly apply to me too with all that geographical distance in place. I understand that i should have been stronger in my convictions but i caved in due to this institution called marriage which expects females to behave as per their in laws ideas.